HOWTO.Tattoo

A little over a month ago, I got a new tattoo. Seems like a lot of folks have them these days, but being as how I just spent three hours in the chair on a Saturday afternoon, it was kind of surprising seeing how folks go about getting their tattoo, the questions they ask, the questions they don't, and the surprising lack of info on the net about tattoos and the process so I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

I'm going to assume if you've read this far you either want one or have thought about getting one. I'm also going to assume you don't need help picking it out. I'm sure everyone you know has told you to get something that you won't regret and blah, blah, blah. I won't waste your time with advice on that subject. Of course, you also need to think about where you want to have it placed and how big you want to go with it. If you really want to be thorough, do some experimenting- print off your image and cut it out. Place the cutout where you want your tattoo inked at and tape it to yourself and go look at it in the mirror. Better yet, have somebody draw or trace the image on you with an ink pen. This is a great way to see if something is going to come out too big or too small. Put your work clothes on over it and make sure it's where you really want it to be. My advice isn't to wait until you're in the chair to decide on something like size. Figure it out in advance and bring an image that's already correctly sized to the shop you end up going with.

Speaking of which, picking out your shop is probably the most important step. There may not be a Zagat's for tattoo shops, but it isn't that hard picking a store if you keep in mind the following-

First thing is figure out how much money you want to spend. This amount is going to determine virtually everything important about your tattoo- namely it's overall quality, it's size, how many colors, and ability of the artist working on you. As just a ballpark figure, a one color tribal armband of average quality will probably set you back around a hundred bucks depending on a whole lot of different things that you need to check out for yourself.

Once you've decided how much money you want to throw at this, start checking out the shops in your area. Yellow pages, internet, folks who have tattoos, and just keeping your eyes open are a great way to discover the shops in your area. Visit them with your art in hand (be prepared to leave it at each shop you talk to) and ask to speak to an artist about getting some work done. Once they see your art and talk to you for a bit, most artists will be able to give you a good idea on the price. If your art is particularly large or intricate the artist will probably choose to charge you by the hour instead of just giving you a figure. If you really want to go the extra mile, ask to see some of the artist's work- he or she will have pictures lying around of pieces they're especially proud of and they'll be happy to show them to you, but don't copy anything you see as your own- that's a no-no in the tattoo world. You can also ask to see their flash. Flash is "stock art" that an artist draws up to be used in books or magazines, or just the artist's own album. It's what people get when they decide they want a tattoo but don't know what kind of design they want. When you get an idea on price and have looked at the artist's work, thank them for their time and go check out the next artist the same way.

Virtually all shops that have some kind of storefront (i.e. not some guy who operates out of the back of a car and will come to your house or something) have to abide by state laws on sterilization and whatnot so typically, finding a "clean" shop isn't an issue in most places these days; if you're in a shop, it's clean. If you get a bad feeling though, don't mess around with them, just go.

Prices can vary widely, but basically you're paying for the skill of the artist both in his ability to "draw" with the needle(s) and to not scar you up while he's inking you. Tattoo shops are pretty mainstream these days, so it's not uncommon to have several shops within an acceptable driving distance for most people even in more traditional markets like the mid-west. In all likelihood, you're going to have one cheap shop, one expensive shop, and several in between. As you'd expect, the cheap shop is probably going to do rougher work, the expensive shop will be of better quality. Again, ask to see flash and other work if you can't decide between shops and go a little higher if you can possibly afford it. What looks cool when you're 20 and have a hundred bucks probably won't look as cool when you're 30 and are pulling down a good salary. You get what you pay for. I've gotten four tattoos in my life; the cheapest one I got back in '94 for 40 bucks. The most expensive one is my most recent that I paid 200 for. Any guesses on which one looks better?

Once you've picked your design and all the particulars associated (colors, size, etc) and picked your artist, call them up and make an appointment. The area you get tattooed will be sore and most likely bleeding afterwards, so don't try to fit it in before your workout session on Thursday after work. As you'd expect, weekends are busiest for tattoo shops, but a Saturday is your best bet if you have a traditional work schedule. You might be asked to put down a deposit as people are famous for backing out of a session. Don't worry about it- they'll take it off your final total.

One thing to keep in mind- generally speaking, artists are a mercurial lot. This is not to say they're untrustworthy or irresponsible, but they are artists and you should interact with them the way you would any other art types. For example, I stopped by my local shop, talked to an artist, hit it off with him instantly, liked his art, showed him my art, dropped the deposit, and made an appointment. Showed up for the appointment, found they didn't have my name in the book. They asked me to come back. We scheduled a second appointment. I showed up, my artist had taken another artist's work because artist number two had called in sick. Could I come back for a third appointment? We signed me up for a third appointment. This time I got my work done. Point is, keep in mind who you're dealing with here- they're not an accountant or a doctor, they're an artist. They probably have a different set of values than you do. If they piss you off, don't make a huge scene then expect some kind of discount on the work like you would at a mechanic's shop. Just leave. You won't get good results if you piss them off then sit down in their chair.

If you're getting work done before a particular event like a wedding or a vacation or something, keep in mind the larger your tattoo, the longer it will take to heal. My last one took a good three weeks to heal completely. And if you're wondering, yes, it will look pretty rough while healing up. A good artist's work will look better and take less time to heal than a lesser artist, so keep that in mind too when you're getting your information.

So at this point, you're all set to go and it's the day you're getting your ink done, what do you do now?

First off, don't eat right before you go. A lot of folks get a little queasy in the chair; you are, after all, being poked with a needle (and sometimes three, five, or seven needles) at around 50 times a second. Eat a couple hours in advance. You don't want to be trying to rush the artist because you're hungry from not eating, but you don't want to throw up in the chair halfway through your outline either. Do not drink before your session. The old adage of waking up after an all-night bender with a tattoo is largely folklore these days. Many shops will not ink you if you're drunk. I'd highly advise not drinking anything before your session as alcohol can act as a blood thinner and make you bleed more which makes you tougher to ink. Similarly, don't take an aspirin before you go.

Secondly, either wear something loose that won't be pulling tight on your tattoo area on the drive home or if possible, don't cover up the area at all. You'll have to take it off, roll it up, or whatever when you get in the chair anyway. If you do wear something that will be touching your tattoo area, don't wear something nice- odds are you'll be bloody and have some kind of topical ointment all over the area when you leave the shop.

Don't put on a bunch of skin moisturizer or cologne on the area you're going to get inked either. Your artist will spray down the area with rubbing alcohol before he or she starts anyway, but in my experience, taking a shower just before you go, toweling off, then going to the shop is the way to go.

On your way there, stop by the bank or ATM and get a few extra bucks out. A lot of artists aren't fortunate enough to own their own shops and frequently have to pay some kind of "chair fee" to the shop owner. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that the entire fee goes to the shop and they work only for tips, but it's good etiquette to tip your artist when the tattoo is finished. Use the standard 10-15% or if your artist does something particularly impressive, go a little more. If you plan on having your artist work on you again down the road, don't be surprised if you get some free stuff or a better appointment time if you throw he or she a little more generous tip.

Ok, so you're in the chair and your washed down. You're sitting across from a stranger who holds an inked up needle tied to an ominously buzzing mechanical device which is probably held together with rubber bands. What do you do now?

Well first, relax. Yes, it does hurt. No, it's not the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Yes, you will survive the ordeal. How much it hurts depends largely on where you get your work done. In general, the more sensitive areas of your body- insides of the arms, ribs, etc. are more sensitive and hurt more than places like your shoulder. Also, the closer the needle is to a bone- for example right in the middle of your chest, the more it will hurt. Once you're finished, your tattoo will feel like a very bad sunburn with a bruise under it- it'll be sore to the touch for a few days, but it's not unbearable. Follow your aftercare instructions and you'll heal up just fine.

Some artists like to talk while they work, some sit as silently as the dead. A little light conversation won't hurt, but stay away from topics which could distract your artist. Talk about stuff like what bands you and the artist like or movies you've seen lately. Stay away from politics or other heavy fare. For the most part, your artist will talk to you if he or she feels like it, when he or she feels like it. Some parts of your art are going to be easier to transfer into your skin than others. To put it simply, if they're talking to you, talk back. If they're not, don't. Bringing an iPod is considered bad form and should not be considered. Don't plan on talking on your cell phone or texting while you're in the chair either; many shops have a no cell phones policy.

Once they're done with you, they'll have you get up and check out your new tattoo. Unless you go to the absolutely talented, you're going to look pretty rough. Your art will be sitting atop red, swollen, irritated flesh. You'll probably still be bleeding. You'll also probably still have some inkstains on your body. Don't freak out. Its too late now, anyway.

As you and the artist settle up financially, he or she will give you pointers on how to care for your tattoo. If it's your first one, ask for a card or write it down. The next few days/ weeks (depending on how big your tattoo is) will be absolutely critical in how it looks for the rest of the time it's on your body. Follow your artist's directions and you'll be fine. They may try to sell you some ointment. The first three times I didn't bother buying- I just stopped by a drugstore and bought bacitracin. This last time I bought the good stuff because I trusted my artist. It was worth it. Your mileage may vary.

After you heal up, you may need re-touching on some of the areas that were inked late in the session. The longer you're in the chair, the more ink and blood accumulates on your skin and makes it tough for your artist to see what he or she is doing. Sometimes your skin will become so irritated that the ink just doesn't "stick" although most professional artists are a light enough touch that this doesn't occur. Typically, this re-touch is covered in the initial fee, but you'll need to call and make another appointment. If your re-touch is necessary because you didn't take care of yourself, you'll probably be charged a fee.

Remember, the best compliment you can give your artist is sending business his or her way if they did a good job or give them some repeat business.

It's a heckuva process and the second or third day after you get your new tattoo and you're basking in it's unhealed, scabby glory you'll probably be wondering what the hell you were thinking, but it will heal up and you'll (hopefully) be left with something extremely cool and unique that you'll enjoy for a very long time.

Like my Lucero Elephant.