Thoughts.RandomAss

You know those people who are all, "If aliens ever came to this planet, they'd think dogs were the rulers because we walk behind them and pick up their poop!", ?

I hate those people.

HOWTO.GetIntoSoccer.Part1

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS INTENDED FOR AMERICANS (AKA: YANKS) WHO WISH TO BEGIN FOLLOWING THE BEAUTIFUL GAME (AKA: SOCCER) AND NEED A STARTING POINT. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD WHO GREW UP WATCHING FOOTBALL AND WILL MOST LIKELY BITCH ABOUT THE OPINIONS AND SUGGESTIONS IN THIS ARTICLE. THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

You probably played it as a kid, maybe your kids play it now. What's the deal though, right? Why is the world so obsessed with a sport that a lot of Americans think is about as exciting as watching paint dry (or hockey?)

A friend of mine has been trying to get me to watch soccer for like 10 years now. Last August, it finally worked and I'm way into soccer these days. So why did it suddenly catch on with me this time? Big reasons were I could finally watch a bunch of games, I read up on the rules, and finally got a handle on how timekeeping works. Those three things along with how the Premiership works as far as relegation and promotion, all of the extra leagues/ tournaments like UEFA and the FA Cup, and reading about some of the great history and rivalries in the sport finally pushed me over the edge.

Really though it's just because I need an excuse to wave a lit road flare around in a crowd. Hi-o!!!!



Think that's crazy?



This dude is a REAL soccer fan.

Ok, ok, seriously. You want to stop being an ignorant American and start watching soccer, er, football. Where do you start?

1. Figure out a way to watch
If you have cable or satellite TV, chances are you either already have some soccer channels or have them available to you for a relatively low monthly fee in some kind of sports package. The networks you want to look for are (in no particular order) Fox Soccer Channel, Setanta, or the English feeds of Gol TV (look for the button that says "English" on the right if you go to their site). Some of these have other variations (I'm pretty sure there are two or three different Setantas, for instance), but basically you've got to have one of these channels available to you. NOTE: Yes, I realize ESPN shows soccer on it's various channels, but unless you've got the Deportes and can speak Spanish, you probably won't see it much (or see much soccer on the main ESPN). Great for if you like poker though.

If you don't have cable/ satellite or your provider doesn't offer soccer channels, you can go the broadband route (assuming of course, you have broadband internet- duh). Fox Soccer Channel and Setanta both offer broadband games and packages. Prices and availability vary, so click the links above if you're interested.

2. Learn the rules, er laws
I know, I know, learning the rules sucks, but there's really only a couple of rules you need to know about soccer to be able to watch (oh, and by the way, they're LAWS not rules)-

No hands- if you don't know this rule, you're lying or you're Sly Stallone.

Offsides- a little tough for us Americans who grew up watching basketball. The short version is the offensive team player can't get behind the last (except goalie, obviously) defensive team player unless they have the ball. There is a LOT more to it than that, but that brief explanation will get you through watching a match. For the in-depth version, click here.

Fouls- extremely subjective and like many aspects of soccer, are almost solely up to the discretion of the ref. Basically, a foul is when a player makes contact with another player without getting the ball first. Again, there are other times when a player can (or might not) be called for a foul- climbing up an opposing player to get in position for a header for instanct, or interfering with a goalie. Committing a foul will usually result in the other team getting a free kick, but if you foul somebody in the boxed-in area around the goal (called the penalty area), then the opposing team gets a penalty kick from the dot (which nearly always results in a goal).

If you want to read up on the rest of the laws of soccer (and find out where the word soccer came from), check out the wiki articles on Soccer, and the Laws.

3. Time keeping
Timekeeping in soccer works a little differently than other sports like football or basketball- namely in that the clock doesn't ever stop. I don't know why this is exactly, but soccer is a very old sport. A bunch of the world's greatest clubs were formed in the late 1800's, knowing that, it almost stands to reason that time doesn't stop in soccer because the stopwatch was invented after soccer was. I have no idea if that's true or not, but it sounds good.

In any case, the game clock doesn't stop for any reason in soccer. At the end of the first half (called, unsurprisingly, half-time), which is 45 minutes into the game, the ref may decide to add on some time to account for injuires, goal celebrations, or other events that have taken time away from the game. Typically, half-time is pretty much on time with the added time being anywhere from less than a minute to two or three at the most. Full time is the end of the match which happens at the end of 90 minutes. If the ref things time has been wasted in the second half, he can add on more time. Typically this is where you'll see time added in most matches. Most Premiership games get 3-5 minutes of stoppage time added after the 90th minute.

At this point, you should have a pretty firm grasp on the very basics of soccer. The best thing to do now is watch a ton of games from the different leagues. Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, and Bundesliga are generally considered to be the best and biggest, but don't discount MLS, Hyundai A, and the rest- watch any matches you can!

Oh, and come back in a few days/ weeks/ months for Part 2- The Different Leagues!

NUFC.relegation

So I'm way into the English Premiership these days and selected Newcastle United Football Club as my team. As luck would have it, we're pretty much in our darkest days as a EPL side. My buddy Coleman emailed me today and we were discussing whether or not Newcastle would be relegated this year if the club owner didn't spend some money this month to bring in outside talent. Here's my reply to him:

Leeds, at least from what I've read, has an extremely loyal fanbase. Even when they went down the SECOND time, their attendance was still respectable. According to Wikipedia, they've averaged 26,500 this season. That puts them in the neighborhood of Hull City, Stoke, Portsmouth, West Brom Albion, Fullham, Bolton, Wigan, and Blackburn. In Champ, the only team that is close to the same attendance is Derby- all others are lower and obviously they're miles ahead of anyone else in One.

So what's the point?

Sports teams, whether American, English, or whatever, make more money when they win than when they lose. Supporters, fans, whatever you want to call them, will follow a winner more willingly (and financially) than a loser. This is really the only reason the owners have an impetus to spend money.

Every once in awhile though, you end up with a loser team that for whatever reason, has a ton of support behind it- Chicago Cubs being perhaps the most obvious example of this. By simply being loyal supporters, the wrong message is inadvertently sent and the owners, being the businessmen that they are, spend nothing to improve the situation because there's no financial reason to- they may have a loser, but people support the team as though they were a winner.

I get the impression that Leeds was that way. Sir Alex himself said that Elland was one of the most intimidating places in all of Europe and the attendance stats speak for themselves- Leeds has fantastic support regardless of what league the team plays in.

This is exactly what worries me about Newcastle- we're the same exact way. Super loyal fanbase (we're currently in 3rd behind Man U and Arsehole in average attendance this season) that will come and buy stuff regardless of the current state of the team. Lots of folks think that Ashley will spend money to keep us up, but honestly, I don't see any reason why he would. After the mass exodus of players and their contracts, it's entirely possible that NUFC could be more profitable as a Championship side than a Premiership side.

So am I worried we'll go down? Yeah. Because unless the players suddenly man up and start playing with their heads up or WBA, Stoke, Tottenham, etc. completely lose the plot and distance themselves from us the wrong way I don't see what else can happen. I think it's unlikely that we'll have many new faces show up in the next week.

Analog2Digital.change

Ok, I'm totally 100% sick of hearing about the change to digital. From what I understand, less than 20 million U.S. households still receive their broadcasts exclusively over-the-air. That being the case, why the hell are we still talking about it? If you watch TV at all, then you know this big change is coming because IT'S BEEN ON EVERY NETWORK FOR THE PAST YEAR.

How much is the goverment spending on ad time for this business? We're talking about 20 million households- that's roughly how many households subscribe to SiriusXM, the number of households who use cell phones only (with no landline), the number of households who have no internet access, or roughly the amount of illegal immigrants currently estimated to reside in this country.

In other words, it's a relatively small number of people, and again, if you haven't heard about it by now, then you don't watch TV anyway. This kind of stuff is what keeps our government in a perpetual state of being out of dough.

Now though, our new President wants to delay the changeover because the funds have run out and people are still waiting on their coupons.

(Ignore the fact that the U.S. Government has dished out 24 million coupons and there are only 20 million houses that receive OTA transmissions)

Sigh.

HOWTO.ad-campaign

If you have to start a multi-million dollar ad campaign to convince people that the product you released 10 months ago doesn't suck, someone, somewhere in your organization fucked up. Either marketing, the launch team, who picked the background, whatever- but anytime you have to tell people that your product isn't as shitty as everyone seems to think it is, somewhere you've got a problem.

When I was a college instructor, I tried not to curse much in front of the class, but at some point, usually in the lab, I'd have to explain to them the concept of status when it comes to industrial equipment/ circuits.

"Basically," I would begin usually after we'd waved the smoke away, "You have three states of being- working, broken, and fucked up. Obviously, if it's working, you don't have to mess with it. Some folks will tell you there's variations of working, such as working well or barely working, but truth of the matter is, if it's working, you shouldn't mess with it until end of shift."

"We also have broken which can represent many different states, but typically what you're conveying with broken is you've got something that isn't working, but you know how to fix it and have what you need to fix the problem. It's a temporary state lasting anywhere from a few seconds to an hour, tops."

"Fucked up, however, is the third state. When you've got something that's fucked up, it's about to get interesting. Either you don't have the parts to fix it, you don't know how to fix it, it isn't repairable, or all of the above."

The point is this- often times curse words are overused and unnecessary in the English language. Sometimes however, they represent a concept or illustrate a point that actually is integral to explaining severity of a situation.

Some people make mistakes. Some people fuck up. There is a difference is all I'm saying.

argument.contraction/expansion.hockey

With it being summer, everyone on the usual hockey sites are all bitching about the usual topics- relocation/ contraction of southern market teams. Here's my response to everyone in general-

The problem with contraction/ relocation is it doesn't make all that much sense.

Hockey has NEVER been a popular sport in the U.S. All this "dilution of talent" argument is crap. I've been watching hockey for nearly 20 years now and the sport, from my point of view anyway, isn't any bigger or smaller than it ever has been in the U.S. You could contract half the damn league and turn the remaining teams into all-star caliber teams and it still wouldn't be watched or carried by most media markets.

Relocation, frankly, is just as stupid. Fans, largely Canadian ones, love to point at teams like Nashville or Florida or Tampa and whine about how there is no team in Winniquehamiltonbecpeg. Like it hurts the league. Honestly, people. Do you really thinking moving the Preds to wherever is going to make any kind of real difference other than piss off the people in Nashville who actually do like hockey and make Jimmy RIM happy? Explain it to me, because from here it's a wash.

The problem with the NHL is it doesn't know how to market itself. There's no reason why a regional niche sport like NASCAR can be this national phenomenon in the U.S. and NHL hockey can't.

Info.BHPotD

I really try hard to keep my Black Helicopters (that's conspiracy themed stuff for those of you who don't know me personally) ideas out of the pages of the blog here, but sometimes I come up with something so solid even I can't resist.

I was talking to one of my maintenance guys yesterday about all the repurcussions of the production cutbacks at the company we supply and he asked why the government wasn't doing more to improve the economy/ help fix gas prices/ create new jobs/ address the trade defecit/ etc.

I responded, "When the economy is good and jobs are plentiful, there aren't many folks wanting to join the military."

Read into that what you will. I'll be stockpiling food under my house.

Just kidding.

I'm stockpiling guns and medical supplies. Zing! Rimshot.